Biblical Jokes

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  1. God and Adam in the Garden
  2. The Silent Monk
  3. The Pastor and the Eggs
  4. The Pope and the Police
  5. The Pastor and Golf - 5/3/96
  6. The Baptist, Charasmatic and Lutheran - 6/5/96
  7. Town Drunk Dies - 6/5/96
  8. The Clergy and the Barber - 6/5/96
  9. The Minister and the Paint - 6/5/96
  10. The Strongman and the Lemon - 6/5/96
  11. Carried away in worship - 9/7/96
  12. Adam and his Partner - 9/7/96
  13. I'm not goin' to Church - 9/7/96
  14. St. Peter and the Rich Man - 9/7/96
  15. Married in Heaven - 10/7/96
  16. The Rabbi, Vicar and Priest by the River - 10/7/96
  17. President George Bush and Moses - 17/7/96
  18. Jesus at the Pearly Gates - 4/10/96
  19. Abraham and Isaac - 4/10/96
  20. The Healthy Christians - 9/10/96
  21. God and Bill Gates - 8/11/96
  22. The Pope in Heaven - 8/11/96
  23. The Bishop and the Pastor - 8/11/96
  24. The Pope, Priest and Rabbi - 15/3/97
  25. Pearly Gates Story - 15/3/97
  26. Jesus is watching you - 15/3/97
  27. The Other Flood - 18/6/97
  28. Dust to Dust - 28/10/97
  29. The Priest and the Housekeeper - 28/10/97
  30. The Merits of Drinking - 28/10/97
  31. Playing Golf - 5/2/98
  32. Blizzard on a Sunday - 5/2/98
  33. Annointed with oil - 5/2/98
  34. Where's God? - 6/2/98
  35. Painting - 9/2/98
  36. Removing the bats from the belfry - 9/2/98

    37.  

     
     
     

     MORE BIBLE JOKES

God and Adam in the garden

Well, God and Adam were walking in the garden, and God was stoked. He was really excited about what he had made.....
...And while God was walking around bragging, he finally noticed that Adam wasn't as excited as he.....
...So he asked Adam what was wrong... and Adam said, "Well look God, I mean I really like being alive and all...and the garden is cool, but all the other animals have mates...
...The cows have their mates and the horses have theirs, but I only have myself...
...So God said..."Well, I've got a deal for you Adam...I 'll make you a mate that will darn your socks, wash your clothes, and be there at your beckoning call...
...And Adam said, "Wow! How much will it cost me God?"
...God said "It'll cost you an arm and a leg."
...Adam said, "Ooooooo. Man, I dunno... What can I get for a rib?"

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The Silent Monk

There was a man, approaching middle age, whose life was comfortable, but he felt an emptiness inside, a longing. So he decide to join a monastery.

 The head monk told him that the road ahead was difficult, he would have to give up all earthly possessions, pray constantly, and he would have to be totally silent. In fact, he could not speak at all, to anyone. He was allowed only to say two words every five years.

 So the man joins and becomes a monk, and he is silent. Five years goes by, and the Pope comes to visit. The man is summoned before the pope, and he is asked "So, how is everything?" The man answers "Bed hard". The Pope replies, "Oh, I'm so sorry, we didn't know. We'll take care of that right away. You should be comfortable in bed." And the bed is fixed.

 Another five years goes by, the man is silent, and again, the Pope comes to visit. He again asks "How are you, my son, is all OK?" The man replies to the Pope "Food cold", to which the Pope replies, "Oh my, that is no good, we will take care of that problem right away. No more cold food."

 Again, five more years goes by, the man is the ideal monk, he prays, he is silent. This time, the Pope can't visit, so the man is called before his superior, who asks "How are you, are you OK? To which the man replies "I quit".

 So his superior says, in surprise, "Well, of course you quit, you've been here for fifteen years and all you've done is complain!"

 Sheryl Renshaw

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The Pastor and the Eggs

The elderly pastor was searching his closet for his collar before church one Sunday morning. In the back of the closet, he found a small box containing 3 eggs and 100 $1 bills. He called his wife into the closet to ask her about the box and its contents. Embarrassed, she admitted having hidden the box there for their entire 25 years of marriage. Disappointed and hurt, the pastor asked her, "WHY?" The wife replied that she hadn't wanted to hurt his feelings. He asked her how the box could have hurt his feelings. She said that every time during their marriage that he had delivered a poor sermon, she had placed an egg in the box.

 The pastor felt that 3 poor sermons in 25 years was certainly nothing to feel bad about, so he asked her what the $100 was for.

 She replied, "Each time I got a dozen eggs, I sold them to the neighbours for $1."

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The Pope and the Police

Recently the Pope decided that he could save some expenses at the Vatican by learning how to drive himself. That way they would not need to pay for a driver everywhere he went.

 The following month, there were two motorcycle police in Washington D.C. who were on traffic patrol when they saw a white limosine blasting down the expressway.

 The younger wanted to catch the speeder, but the older one said, "Forget it. It's probably some big shot politician who will just get the ticket fixed."

 Not to be discouraged, the younger gave chase. He returned a short time later, rather more quiet then when he had left.

 "Well, did you write the citation?" asked the other officer.

 "No."

 Was he some big shot, like I told you?"

 "Yeah. I think he was."

 "I'll bet he was some Senator or something. Right?"

 "I, uh, don't think so. I think he was bigger than that."

 "You telling me that was the Vice President?"

 "No, I, uh, he was bigger thah that."

 "Don't tell me you stopped the President!"

 "No. I think he was a lot bigger than that!"

 "Just who do you think is bigger than the President?"

 "Well," replied the younger, "I couldn't see who was in the back seat, but he had the Pope driving for him!"

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The Pastor and Golf

There was once a pastor of a medium sized evangelical church, he was a good man, a good pastor but he had one weakness, golf.

 One Sunday morning he woke up, preparing his mind for that morning's sermon when he had a look out of the window. Oh what a glorious morning, the sun had broken through the weeks of greyness and the sky was clear blue. At that moment he decided he had to play golf, even if it meant missing Church; he had a good team around him after all. So he phoned the associate pastor, explaining he was sick in a croaky voice,
"Can we pray for you?" they offered
"No, no it's not as bad as that" he croaked back and left them to take the service.
A brief pang of guilt was forgotten as once again he peered out of the window.
Up in heaven St. Peter, seeing all this wandered over to Jesus.
"Lord", he said, "have you seen what your servant is doing down here?"
"Yes Peter.", replied Jesus, "Don't worry, I have it all in hand."
"Okay Lord" said Peter and went to see what was happening now.

 What was happening was the Pastor was lining up his first shot of the day, his wife left at home with a dispairing shake of her head.
He breathed the cool, fresh air, "This is going to be a beautiful day" he thought to himself and let swing.
Crack, what a beauty, the ball sailed down the fairway.
"Oh yes this is going to be a beautiful day" he thought.

 Again in heaven Peter walked over to the Lord and questioned "Lord do you see what's happening here?"
"Peter, leave it to me, it's all in hand"

 The round was going wonderfully, in fact probably the best game he had ever played, yes, the best without a doubt, shame he had no-one to share it with, but circumstances prevented that really didn't they.
And suddenly there he was, the famous 18th hole, an enormous par five of renowned difficulty, could he maintain his form? Many a game had been lost on this one!
He lined himself up, took a final glance down the fairway to where it turned a bend and swung.

 He had never seen his ball go so far, it was amazing, though it must overshoot the dogleg and go into the trees, what a shame. But no, it seemed to hit a tree and go around the corner, WOW what luck. He hurried down the fairway and rounded the corner until he saw the green still some way off. Now how far had it gone, where was that ball? He just kept on walking, no sign of it anywhere, surely it hadn't reached the green?! No he couldn't see it at, NO, it's impossible, AMAZING, there lying still IN THE HOLE was his ball. A HOLE IN ONE, HA HA, A HOLE IN ONE, AMAZING!!

 Up in heaven that was just the final straw,
"WHAT IS GOING ON?" Peter yelled, "did you see that, did you do that? Is this some grace thing again? What are you doing Lord, your servant abandons his flock for some foolish game, lies to his elders and makes his wife do the same and this happens?! You give him the most amazing game he ha ever played and then that ridiculous hole in one, what's going on?"
"Yes Peter" replied Jesus, smiling,"I did give him all that, but there is one thing that you forgot...who's he going to tell?!!!!"
Thanks to Simon Patrick

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The Baptist, Charasmatic and Lutheran

A Baptist, a charasmatic, and a lutheran died one day and stood at the pearly gates. God asked each of them in turn why He should let them into Heaven!

 The Baptist answered, "Because I accepted you as my Lord and Saviour and did my best to live my life for you. I may have failed you from time to time but I always repented and asked forgivenss."

 God replied, "You have done well, you may enter Heaven. Also, to drive around, I will give you a Saturn."
"Thank you, God," replied the Baptist.

 The charasmatic said to God, "I should be allowed into Heaven because I accepted you as Saviour and I lived my life for you completely. I tried to be a witness to everyone I met, and I led many people to you."

 God replied, "You have done very well. I am proud of you. Your car will be a Rolls Royce."
"Thank you God," replied the charasmatic.

 The Lutheran approached God and said, "Lord, I think I was saved, and I went to church and I tried to be a good person."

 God replied, "Yes, you were saved, and you did alright. Here, I will give you a Chevette."
The Lutheran replied, "Thank you, Lord."

 One day in Heaven, The Lutheran was chugging along in his Chevette when he noticed the Baptist's Saturn crumpled up against a tree. He saw the Baptist sitting on the curb laughing hysterically.

 He pulled up and asked, "Are you ok? Are you hurt?"
The Baptist continued to roll in laughter.
The Lutheran asked, "What is so funny? I mean, you smashed up your car, what could be so funny to make you laugh like that?"
The Baptist replied, "I just saw the Pope go by on roller skates!"

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Town Drunk Dies

A man who had been quite a boozer and ran with the ladies, passed away. His wealthy brother said to the Minister: "I hope you won't be too hard on my brother. In fact if you would refer to my brother as a Saint, I'll make a $10,000 donation to your Church."

 The Minister said he would have to think about it.

 At the funeral service, the Minister said: "We all know that Charlie was a terrible boozer and was unfaithful to his wife, but compared to his brother here, he was almost a saint."

 Thanks to Don R. Rogers

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The Clergy and the Barber

A Rabbi went to the barber shop. After his hair cut, he got ready to pay the barber and the barber said, "No Rabbi, I don't charge the clergy for haircuts." So the next morning the barber found a loaf of Jewish rye bread outside of his door step.

 A couple of days past and a Catholic priest came in to get his hair cut. He got ready to pay and the barber said, "No Father, I don't charge the clergy for hair cuts." So the next morning he found a bottle of wine outside his front door step.

 A couple of days later the Baptist preacher came in to get his hair cut and when he got ready to pay the barber said, "No Reverend, I don't charge the clergy for their hair cuts." So the next morning, the barber found 15 Baptist preachers on his doorstep, ready to get their hair cut!

 Thanks to Mark D. Hodges

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The Minster and the Paint

A Minister had a group of trustees over to paint the parsonage. It was getting late and it looked like they were going to run out of paint, but by that time the paint store was closed. The pastor looked and noted that it was water based paint, so they added water to thin the paint and finished the job.

 That night it rained cats and dogs. The pastor worried that the paint which wasn't dry would be washed from the house. Sure enough, in the morning all the paint to which they had added water was washed from the house. At that moment the clouds parted and the pastor heard a voice from above. It said "Repaint and thin no more."

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The Strongman and the Lemon

The strongman at a circus sideshow demonstrated his power before a large audience. Towards the end, he squeezed the juice from a lemon between his hands. He then said to the audience, "I will offer $200 to anyone in the audience who can squeeze another drop from this lemon.

 A thin scholarly looking man came forward, picked up the lemon, strained hard and managed to get a drop. The strongman was amazed. He paid the man and asked, "What is the secret of your strength?"

 "Practice," the man answered. "I was the treasurer of the Methodist Church for thirty-two years!.

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Carried away in worship

Members of one church were getting carried away in Worship one evening. The tambourines a shaking, the drums a rocking and choruses and prayers asscended to Heaven in a never ending stream. Amidst the sighs and ecstatic shouts of joy, one old man was truly overcome with emotion:

 "Ah Lord, Thoust can see we are having a blessed time this evening, but this is nothing, Lord, Thoust should have been here at the meeting last week, Lord!"

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Adam and his Partner

God had just finished creating Adam.
God said to him "Adam, I want you to pick out a partner from any of the animals in the garden."

 So Adam looked around trying to find a mate. After a few minutes Adam said to God "God, none of these animals will do." So God made a woman for Adam.

 Adam looked at the woman and said to God "God, why did you make her so beautiful?"
and God replied "So you will like her Adam."
Adam said, "But God, she is just SO beautiful why is she so beautiful?"
"So you will like her" God replied.
Then Adam asked, "But God, why did you make her so stupid?"
God replied "So she will like you."

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I'm not goin' to Church

A mother called her son one Sunday morning, to get out of bed and get ready for Church.
He replied "I'm not goin'"
His mother said "Yes you are goin', so get out of that bed."
He replied "Give me ONE good reason why I should go."
She replied, "I'll give you THREE good reasons....
1. I'm your mother, and I say you're goin'.
2. You're 40 years old, so old enough to know better.
3. You're the Pastor, so you need to be there.

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St. Peter and the Rich Man

Determined to "take it with him" when he died, a very rich man prayed until the Lord gave in. There was one condition: he could bring only one suitcase of his wealth. The rich man decided to fill the case with gold bullion.

 The day came when God called him home. St. Peter greeted him, but told him he could not bring his suitcase. "Oh, but I have an agreement with God," the man explained.

 "That's unusual," said St. Peter. "Mind if I take a look?" The man opened the suitcase to reveal the shining gold bullion.

 St. Peter was amazed. "Why in the world would you bring pavement?"

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Married in Heaven

A couple about to be married got into a car accident the day before their wedding and died. When they went to Peter, they asked, "Peter, we would really like to be married here in heaven." Peter replied, "Why don't you wait a few years to make sure that you really would like to be together for forever.""OK" they replied. So they waited.

 About a hundred years went by and they asked again. Again Peter said to wait a while. So again they waited. Another hundred years went by and they asked again. Peter finally said, "OK. Why not." So of course they had a grand wedding. About Eighty years went by and they came to Peter and asked for a divorce. Peter replied, "Wait just a minute. It took me two hundred years to get a minister up here. How do you think I will ever get a lawyer up here?"

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The Rabbi, Vicar and Priest by the River

A Rabbi, a Vicar and a Priest went fishing one day, they patiently sat on the river bank waiting for a bite, after a few hours the Rabbi stood up and said, "I don't think we are to get anywhere here so I'm going to cross the river and try up stream". The Priest pointed out that the nearest bridge was 3 miles away. "No problem" replied the Rabbi who knelt down and prayed for a few seconds, then he stood up and walked across the water! The Vicar started packing away his fishing equipment and shouted to the Rabbi to wait for him. The Vicar knelt down said a quick prayer and walked across the river to join the Rabbi. The Priest thought to himself if they can do it so can I. "Wait for me" the Priest called, "There's no point in me staying here on my own", the Priest knelt down and said a prayer stood up walked to the river bank took one step out into the river then vanished beneath the surface. On the other bank the Vicar turned to the Rabbi "Do you think we should of told him about the stepping stones"?

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ex-president George Bush and Moses

After many long and fruitful years, ex-President George Bush dies and goes to Heaven.

 Within the first few months of eternity, he finds Moses walking the streets of gold. Thinking to himself: "It would be intresting to compare notes, head-of-state to head-of-state." he approaches Moses.

 Moses sees him coming, turns white and runs the other way!

 Puzzled by this reaction, George goes on his way in paradise.

 A few hundred years pass, and George again sees Moses walking the streets of Gold. This time he is able to stand right beside Moses before Moses notices him.

 George asks: "Why did you run away from me the first time we saw each other? All I wanted to do was discuss the aspects of being head-of-state with you."

 Moses replies: "Well, the last time I spoke to a 'Bush', I wound up spending 40 years in the wilderness!"

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Jesus at the Pearly Gates

One day Jesus was staffing the Pearly Gates for St. Peter when a soul arrived:
Jesus to man: Welcome. It is our custom to ask new arrivals if there is any unfinished business on earth they would like to see completed before entering into heaven.
Man: Well actually there is. You see, a number of years ago I was separated from my son and I hear different stories but I don't know for sure exactly what happened to him.
Jesus: Well it shouldn't be too hard to find out. Let's start with your name.
Man: Well, I was named after Jacob's son Joseph.
Jesus: Hmm, well OK. Where did you live?
Man: In a small fishing village near the Mediterranean Sea.
Jesus: Hmm. And your occupation?
Man: Why, I was a carpenter.
Jesus: Hmmm. Anything special you can tell me about your son?
Man: Oh, yes. My son was very special. God himself gave him life. There never has been nor will there ever be another like him.
Jesus: Wait! You're the carpenter Joseph from a fishing village with a very special son?
Man: Yes, that's right.
Jesus: Oh my, my. Why your MY father. (Throwing his arms around the man) Oh, father, father.
Man: (Tearfully embracing Jesus) Oh, my son, my son, my long lost son, Pinnochio! Pinnochio!

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Abraham and Isaac

Avraham (Abraham) wants to upgrade his PC to Windows 95.

 Yitzhak (Isaac) is incredulous. "Pop," he says, "you can't run Windows 95 on your old, slow 386. Everyone knows that you need at least a fast 486 with a minimum of 16 megs of memory in order to multitask effectively with Windows 95."

 But Abraham, the man of faith, gazed calmly at his son and replied, 'God will provide the RAM, my son'.

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The Healthy Christians

Two Christians have lived very good, and also very healthy lives. They die, and go to heaven.

 As they are walking along, marvelling at the paradise around them, one turns to the other and says "Wow. I never knew heaven was going to be as good as this !"

 "Yeah", says the other. "And just think, if we hadn't eaten all that oat bran we could have got here ten years sooner."

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God and Bill Gates

One day God appears to Bill Gates. God calls out, "William, your time is soon coming, where do you choose to spend eternity?" Bill replies, "Well, what kind of things do people do in Hell, it really can't be all that bad?" God says, "Let me show you a glimpse of what goes on in Hell." So God escorts Bill into Heaven and through the pearly gates. They first come upon a party where the most beautiful, gorgeous women are present. Then they arrive at a dinner table where it's occupants are enjoying a feast of the most elegant and exotic foods that exist and in great quantities. Then thay arrive at a place where some of the most expensive, elaborate, and finest cars are kept. "Anyone here is entitled to a car of their choice" says God.

 Afterwards God shows them a typical mansion that the people here posess. "Wow, this place is totally amazing, I think I want to come here God." So sure enough, about 2 months later Bill dies and was granted his request to spend eternity in Hell. Bill noticed that Hell was nothing like what he was shown. There was fire, hot lava, snakes, gnashing of the teeth, it was horrible. A couple of weeks pass by and God appears to Bill. "Hey God, this is nothing like what you showed me awhile back." "That was just a demo version, Bill".

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The Pope in Heaven

The Pope had died, and was greeted at the gates of Heaven by St. Peter, who welcomed him warmly. After a brief orientation he asked the Pope what it was he wanted most to do. The Pope answered that he would like to read the original, hand-written texts that became the bible. So St. Peter led him to the holy library, and left him to read to his heart's content.

 Hours later St. Peter became concerned when he heard the Pope shout, "there's an 'R' in this word!!!". He started walking towards the library, to see what was the matter, when he heard the Pope shout,"That's an 'E', not an 'I'!!!". St. Peter ran the rest of the way to the library, where he was greeted by the Pope, standing in the doorway holding one of the texts. He asked the Pope why he was making such a ruckus, and the Pope responded, "This says 'celebrate', not 'celibate'!!".

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The Bishop and the Pastor

The pastor in a small village church was renowned for his boring speeches, so the congregation quite often fell asleep during his sermons. When the bishop visited him, he complained of this to him.

 - Well, the bishop said. From time to time I have had the same problem. I then start to tell them that one time in my life I have been lying at the breast of a woman who was not my wife... When they look at me with large eyes, I say to them : It was when I was a baby and was lying at my mothers breast.

 The pastor found this to be a good advice, and thought he would use it the next time.

 True enough, the next sunday, the congregation drifted into half sleep, and the pastor said :

- One time in my life I have been lying at the breast of a woman who was not my wife..., and the congregation looked at him in astonishment.

 ...... but now I cannot remember who ......???

 .... - Oh yes, It was the bishops mother!!

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The Pope, Priest and Rabbi on a lake

The Pope a priest & a rabbi are all fishing on a boat in a lake, and talking. After about 3 hours the Pope says that he's getting hungry and walks across the water to get some food. After he leaves the boat the priest decides he's hungry too and follows the Pope.

 The rabbi says, "Well I'm not going to be left here, and I believe in God just as much as they do," so he walks off the boat and sinks.

 The priest says to the pope, "You think we should have told him where the rocks are?"

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Pearly Gates Story

A man dies and goes to heaven. Of course, St. Peter meets him at the pearly gates.
St. Peter says, "Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you've done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in."
"Okay," the man says, "I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, even in my heart."
"That's wonderful," says St. Peter, "that's worth three points!"
"Three points?" he says. "Well, I attended church all my life and supported its ministry with my tithe and service."
"Terrific!" says St. Peter, "that's certainly worth a point."
"One point? Golly. How about this: I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans."
"Fantastic, that's good for two more points," he says.
"TWO POINTS!!" the man cries, "At this rate the only way I get into heaven is by the grace of God!"
"Come on in!"

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Jesus is watching you

A burglar got into a house one night. Shining his flashlight on the floor in the dark, he heard a voice saying, "Jesus is watching you." He looked around nervously, shook his head, and kept looking for valuables. He again heard, "Jesus is watching you." This time, he shone his light all over, and it rested on a parrot. He asked, "Did you say that?" The parrot admitted that it had. "I'm just trying to warn you, that's all." The burglar said, "Warn me, huh? Who are you? What's your name?" "Moses." "Well, what kind of stupid people would name a parrot 'Moses'?" The bird answered, "I don't know; I guess the same folks who would name a Rottweiler 'Jesus'."

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The Other Flood

A great flood swept across a great countryside, and a Christian couple were trapped upon a roof. The waters continued to rise when a boat came towards them.
"Do you need some help?" the man in the boat asked.
"No. Jesus will save us." came the reply.

 A couple of hours later, another boat came to their aid. By this time, the water was halfway up the roofline.
"You folks need some help?" was the question.
"No. Jesus will save us." again was their reply.

 A couple of more hours later and the water was now lapping over the peak of the roof, when a helicopter came over. A man was hoisted down.
"You folks need some help?" he asked.
"No. Jesus will save us." once more was the reply.

 A few more hours passed and the couple died. At the pearly gates, they requested to see Jesus.
"What happened lord? We've lived our entire lives for you. We prayed un-ceasingly to you and believed in you. Why did you let us down?"

 The Lord replied. "What are you mad at me for? I sent you 2 boats and a helicopter."

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Dust to Dust

A little boy had just got home from Sunday School and mom was cooking lunch. "Mommy, is it true that before you're born you're just dust and after you die you go back to being dust?"
"That's right son, why?"
"Well that's just what they said at church today."
"Run up stairs and wash your hands son, lunch will be ready in a few minutes."

About 10 minutes went by and she called out for him to come down. "I'll be there in a minute." As they were about to sit down at the table, the little boy asked again about being dust before being born and after you die. Once again mother said yes son. The little boy looked at her and said, then you better get up to my room pretty quick, because something under my bed is either coming or going!!
(Thanks to James Arbaugh)

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The Priest and the Housekeeper

In France, the young assistant priests do not live in the main rectory. That is reserved for the senior priest and his housekeeper. One day the priest invited his new young assistant to have dinner at the rectory. While being served, the young priest noticed how shapely and lovely the housekeeper was and deep down in his heart, he wondered if there was more between the priest and the housekeeper. After the meal was over, the middle-aged priest assured the young assistant that everything was purely professional, that she was the housekeeper and cook and that was that.

About a week later, the housekeeper came to the priest and said, "Father, ever since the new assistant came for dinner, I have not been able to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it do you?" The priest said, "Well, I doubt it but I'll write him a letter." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Father, I'm not saying you did take the gravy ladle and I'm not saying you did not take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that it has been missing since you were here for dinner." The young assistant received the letter and he answered it as follows: "Dear Father, I'm not saying that you do sleep with the housekeeper and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with the housekeeper, but I do know for sure that if you slept in your own bed you would find the gravy ladle."
(Thanks to Don R. Rogers)

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The Merits of Drinking

At a downtown mission one evening the minister was preaching a sermon on the evils of drinking. To illustrate the point he put two glasses on the pulpit. The first glass he filled with water, the second glass he filled with a very good bourbon whiskey. The he dropped a healthy earthworm into the glass of water. Immediatly the worm started to swim around. The he took the worm and dropped it into the glass of whiskey. Immediatly the worm shriveled up and died. The minister asked the congregation of drifters, "What does this prove to you?" Immediatley an old drunk enthusiasticly raised his hand and said, "Preacher, if you drink good whiskey, you won't get worms.
(Thanks to Ken Burling)

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Playing Golf

Jesus, Moses, and an old man were playing golf and it was Jesus's turn. He hit the ball and it landed in the water and floated. So Jesus walked out, hit it and it landed in the cup. Next it was Moses's turn. He hit the ball and it landed in the water and sank to the bottom. So he parted the water and hit it in the cup. Last it was the old man's turn. He hit the ball it bounced off a turtle in the water, a bird caught the ball and dropped it by the cup and a rabbit knocked it in. Moses turned to Jesus and said "I hate it when Your Father plays."
(Thanks to Mark Chapman)

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Blizzard on a Sunday

There was a terrible blizzard and it was snowing and snowing all weekend. Sunday morning came and the Pastor saw that the snow had reached his window. He didn't think anyone would be coming to church this morning, but he felt obliged to go anyway.
The pastor fought his way through the icy wind and snow to get next door to the church. He waited in the sanctuary, reading, for ten minutes. He was about to go when the door opened, and a man staggered through.
" Hello!" said the pastor. " Church will have to be cancelled today- you're the only one who has come."
The man replied," Reverend, if you had a big herd of sheep, and only one came home that night to feed - would you still feed him?"
The pastor was amazed and cried," Yes! I would!"
He then was filled with the spirit, and decided to preach the best sermon ever. He talked and talked about all of life's trials and joys - he referred to passages from Genesis to Job, Psalms to John, Acts to Revelation. He did so with profound excitement and conviction. This went on for a long time.
After the minister had come to his final conclusion, he went down and talked to the other man.
" Did that satisfy you, sir?" he asked happily.
The man replied " Reverend, if you had a herd of sheep and only one came home that night to feed - would you make sure he ate the whole bale of hay!?"
(Thanks to Stephen Crane & Grandfather)

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Annointed with oil

This man and lady couldn't have any children, so they went to the pastor and asked for prayer. So the pastor prayed for them and annointed them with oil. Sure enough about 9 months later they had triplets. The couple once again showed up at the pastor's study and as soon as the woman saw the pastor she ran up to him, threw her arms around him and gave him the biggest hug. "What was that all about"? he asked. She replied "I'm just glad you used three in one oil and not WD40."

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Where's God?

Two little boys were best friends at church, but they both had a reputation for getting into trouble.
One Sunday, one of the boys was home sick, but the other boy, not wanting to let his friend down, was twice as bad as normal. As he was running through the sanctuary after church, the pastor grabbed him and angrily said, "Where's God?!"
The little boy was frightened and didn't know what to say.
The pastor continued, "I want you to go home and think about it and I don't want you to come back until you can tell me where God is."
The boy went home and called his sick friend on the telephone. "Guess what," he said. "They've lost God, and they're trying to blame that one on us, too."
(Thanks to the Weber Family)

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Painting

A man was required to do penitence and chose to paint the church. About to run out of the latex paint he was using he added more water and discovered he had to add more and more before he finished. Just as he was about to finish a thunderstorm came up and in a cloud burst of rain washed all of the paint off the building. As it did so, there was a loud clap of thunder from which a voice said, "Repaint, and thin no more"!
(Thanks to Vernon Snider)

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 More Bible Jokes

Removing the bats from the belfry

Three ministers were discussing the problem of bats nesting in the upper storey of their churches.

Minister 1: "I thought I'd get rid of them by sneaking up on them and catching them in my fishing net. I took them out into the woods a few miles away and let them go.
Sadly, they were back in church before I could get back there.

Minister 2 "I put a cat up there with them, thinking it would frighten them away. But when I went back to check, the cat had disappeared and the bats were still there.

Minister 3 "I solved the problem. I went up there and baptized and confirmed them and I haven't seen them since."
 

 More Jokes here

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